Surviving vs. Thriving

It is amazing how quickly God can break down the barriers I've spent so much time building. This morning I woke up late, found excuses to push my departure to go to church and very nearly skipped altogether. I'll be honest, that was the last place I wanted to be today. And I knew that's exactly where I needed to be. I had no idea why, but I knew Satan was using everything he had to keep me from entering those doors and staying for the whole service. I even considered going to a different church so I could hide...but remembered that I can never hide from my heavenly Father. So, I went, albeit grudgingly. And I stayed. And I listened. And I responded. And I'm so thankful that God never gives up on those He loves.

Only part of me was there at the beginning. I was determined to fulfill my duty by singing in the choir and then see whether I felt like staying or not. I distracted myself with everything I could think of; I made lists in my head, I wrote a mini journal entry, and I avoided looking at the sermon notes. The sermon was on bitterness, and I determined that I really didn't need to pay attention, because I was fine. Yeah, sure I've been angry -- but I'm not holding onto that...or am I?

This past year has been one filled with transitions and struggles. Along with that has come growth and triumphs, but it has been difficult, and at times, painful. At first, I was angry with God for not allowing things to work out the way I saw fit, then resigned, and finally I gained a sense of peace. The thing about peace though, is that it needs a source. I kept trying to take matters into my own hands, constantly proving my distrust in God's sovereign plan for my life. I continued being involved in ministry, doing my best in school and at work (or so I thought), and trying my best to survive. And although I continued to read my Bible and pray, I wasn't actively pursuing a relationship with my Lord.

I discovered that I can only coast for so long before my inadequacies became painfully evident. And you think that would spur me to action, incite motivation for change. But I chose pride, independence and stubbornness instead. I knew what was true regarding the character of my Father, but still I refused to trust. How I felt didn't match up with what I knew to be true, so I chose to trust my feelings rather than my Sovereign.

As I mentioned, there have been some big events in my life over the course of the past several months. While some of them were wonderful, most were not. In fact, you could say they were the opposite of wonderful. And those circumstances caused personal heartbreak in many instances. Of course I had no control over the outcomes of these events, and a large majority of them took me by surprise. At times I chose to respond, other times I reacted instead. And I've come to realize that I have been blaming God for these supposed misfortunes in my life. As if I could have prevented tragedies, or changed the end result...but somehow, I thought I knew better.

These attitudes not only desensitized me to the conviction of the Holy Spirit, but they also damaged my ministry. My heart had the wrong motives; I was full of pride, although I did my best to deceive myself and hide it from others. I no longer had joy, my hope was fading and I was quickly becoming apathetic. And although that is not what I wanted, still I put off the inevitable surrender of my will again and again.

Then, this morning the speaker announced that he felt convicted to preach on bitterness. My heart resisted, my mind wandered and my entire being struggled to stay in my seat. Then, he said something that struck me and resounded deep within me. "God doesn't just want us to survive, He wants us to thrive." I knew I wanted, needed more than just to survive -- and for so long now I've been on autopilot. That simple phrase broke me, brought me face to face with my sin and my Savior, and brought hope to my weary soul.

I confessed, sought forgiveness and set up accountability. Letting go of that twisted anger freed me to live a life of victory. More than anything I want to glorify God with this life and make an impact for Him. I know His timing is perfect and I'm striving to live like I believe that. Pray for me, friends...I know this won't be easy. I have only started the journey and have many changes to make in the coming days, weeks and months. But I am determined to take one step at a time, keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and let Him lead. My life is but a vapor when compared to eternity. And I want every day to count.

~Liz