Waiting on the Lord
Patience has never been one of my strong suits...just ask anyone who knows me well. I hate waiting for pending events, struggle to keep secrets about gifts I purchase for others and constantly carry on dialogue with drivers around me while I'm on the road about how they should be moving faster. Working with children, in the healthcare field and in a nursing home taught me a lot about patience, but I still do not enjoy having to practice this virtue.
"If patience is a virtue, I don't want to be virtuous."
Yes, I've said that...many times. It's true, but that doesn't make it right. I know it is a fruit of the Spirit in which I am lacking, and can practice this characteristic when called to do so, but so often I make excuses, or fail to try even.
So many times I've said these words: "I don't pray for patience, because I don't want opportunities to practice it" Recently a good friend admonished me, and reminded me that this is a very selfish perspective to carry. I'm being honest though, isn't that what God wants? So, I try a more creative approach. Instead of praying for patience I pray that I will be content with God's timetable. Not quite the same thing, but very close indeed. I know, I'm being silly and frivolous, but truthful nonetheless.
I love that God has a sense of humor, but don't always appreciate that quality. Last week at this time I was an emotional wreck, and I couldn't even tell you why. I cried...for three hours before I could start making sense out of the reason for the tears. Part of it made sense, I was homesick, missed my family and especially my dear Granny who went home to be with Jesus earlier this year. I was exhausted -- physically, emotionally and spiritually and had just come from an amazing weekend. I was lonely, depressed and lacked motivation. But there was still something that I couldn't quite figure out, the underlying cause and trigger for this whole avalanche of emotions. And then it struck me. I felt out of control. Everything happening seemed to come out of the blue. I was fine one second, and the next completely unable to control the flood of tears. Why was this happening? Why does it have to hurt so much? What in the world could God be trying to teach me through this whole situation?
And then it hit me. I've been so busy planning my life, what I want to accomplish in ministry, where I want to be in the next few years, continued education, debt elimination, the possibility of a relationship and family someday that I neglected to ask God what He wanted. I know I am exactly where God wants me to be, but I felt that I knew better than Him what should come next.
He broke my will completely and utterly until I sobbed that I would pray for patience if that is what He really wanted, but I wasn't going to like it. Yes, this is me still being painfully blunt. But the psalmist did the same thing, and in the end, like David, I was praising God for his wisdom and strength, grace and mercy. I don't deserve anything except hell, eternal separation from my Creator. And yet, He loved me so much that He made the ultimate sacrifice. He willingly gave His Son to atone for my sins so that I can have a personal relationship with Him and someday live with Him for eternity.
Once I let go, I was overwhelmed by a peace that passes understanding. I have no idea what God has for me, but I know He loves me and wants to mold me into the image of His Son more and more each day. He is my refuge, when I despair, I seek His face. Yes, it is difficult to relinquish control and stare into the unknown. But this I know: I can trust my Sovereign Father, and with Him, my future is secure.
"If patience is a virtue, I don't want to be virtuous."
Yes, I've said that...many times. It's true, but that doesn't make it right. I know it is a fruit of the Spirit in which I am lacking, and can practice this characteristic when called to do so, but so often I make excuses, or fail to try even.
So many times I've said these words: "I don't pray for patience, because I don't want opportunities to practice it" Recently a good friend admonished me, and reminded me that this is a very selfish perspective to carry. I'm being honest though, isn't that what God wants? So, I try a more creative approach. Instead of praying for patience I pray that I will be content with God's timetable. Not quite the same thing, but very close indeed. I know, I'm being silly and frivolous, but truthful nonetheless.
I love that God has a sense of humor, but don't always appreciate that quality. Last week at this time I was an emotional wreck, and I couldn't even tell you why. I cried...for three hours before I could start making sense out of the reason for the tears. Part of it made sense, I was homesick, missed my family and especially my dear Granny who went home to be with Jesus earlier this year. I was exhausted -- physically, emotionally and spiritually and had just come from an amazing weekend. I was lonely, depressed and lacked motivation. But there was still something that I couldn't quite figure out, the underlying cause and trigger for this whole avalanche of emotions. And then it struck me. I felt out of control. Everything happening seemed to come out of the blue. I was fine one second, and the next completely unable to control the flood of tears. Why was this happening? Why does it have to hurt so much? What in the world could God be trying to teach me through this whole situation?
And then it hit me. I've been so busy planning my life, what I want to accomplish in ministry, where I want to be in the next few years, continued education, debt elimination, the possibility of a relationship and family someday that I neglected to ask God what He wanted. I know I am exactly where God wants me to be, but I felt that I knew better than Him what should come next.
Wait, my child. I have everything under control. I know your deepest desires and longings,
and want you to find your satisfaction in Me. My grace is sufficient for you, and My strength
is made perfect in your weaknesses. When you are weak, then I am strong. I know this hurts,
but I want you to trust Me, fully and completely for everything. Let go and let Me handle this.
He broke my will completely and utterly until I sobbed that I would pray for patience if that is what He really wanted, but I wasn't going to like it. Yes, this is me still being painfully blunt. But the psalmist did the same thing, and in the end, like David, I was praising God for his wisdom and strength, grace and mercy. I don't deserve anything except hell, eternal separation from my Creator. And yet, He loved me so much that He made the ultimate sacrifice. He willingly gave His Son to atone for my sins so that I can have a personal relationship with Him and someday live with Him for eternity.
Once I let go, I was overwhelmed by a peace that passes understanding. I have no idea what God has for me, but I know He loves me and wants to mold me into the image of His Son more and more each day. He is my refuge, when I despair, I seek His face. Yes, it is difficult to relinquish control and stare into the unknown. But this I know: I can trust my Sovereign Father, and with Him, my future is secure.
posted by Liz at
00:04
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