On turning thirty, disappointment, & dreams
My life has not turned out the way I thought it would. My twenty year old self would be so disappointed at how little I've seemed to accomplish in the past ten years. Yes, I finally moved to my beautiful mountains, have a job that I love and am very involved in my church and community, but I imagined I'd be in a far different place by now. And yet...these last ten years have not been wasted.
I never struggled with dreading a birthday. Until this year. For some reason, thirty was a milestone that could stay far in the future as far as I was concerned. I broke down and wept so many times out of disappointment, disillusionment and discouragement. I had so many dreams that have yet to be realized. And other than amassing what seems like a 'large' debt, I had very little to show for the last decade. At least not on paper. I felt that there was something more that I need to accomplish to somehow prove my worth. In short, I felt like an utter failure.
And while I knew that statement was far from the truth, the feeling remained. I tried to focus on what was true in my life, and more often than not, it just brought me to tears again. I was constantly asking myself what took me so long to finally start pursuing nursing school. I could have been done with this years ago, and perhaps even be chasing some of my dreams by now.
Contentment was more elusive than ever, and I saw my life spiraling into depression. I didn't want to get up and face each new day. I avoided interaction with almost everyone in my life, letting in a select few to avoid the pain. I was tired, so tired of always hurting, never knowing when the tears would start falling, or when they would stop. There was a constant dull ache, but not something I could share. And so I held it close, shielding myself and pushing away people in the process. But I pushed away my heavenly Father as well.
I was done trusting. I sacrificed for Him, served Him, trusted Him and all it brought was heartache. I felt like my life was turned upside down, like my heart had shattered into a million pieces...and it was His fault. I knew that He is good, loving, and sovereign; but I had a hard time reconciling that with what was happening in my life. I became angry, because it was easier than falling apart constantly. If I channeled all my energy into anger, I wasn't as prone to burst into tears at the drop of a hat.
All the things I wanted were good things. I expected I'd have a family by now, that I would be a wife and mother. I wanted to be involved in ministry that impacted lives in a great way. I have a passion for crisis pregnancy ministry, but every time I pursued a volunteer position, God closed the door. I used to have big dreams about traveling to the ends of the earth and making a difference in lives across the globe.
Instead, I was resigned to being single for the rest of my life. I had given up hope that there was anyone out there who I could serve alongside. My longing to become a mother was so overwhelming but seemed pointless if marriage wasn't a possibility. And every time I attempted to plan a trip overseas, it was thwarted, so how could I ever expect to move to another country if I couldn't even visit one? So I took my dreams and put them away. I buried them so deep, and built walls around my heart to be sure they would stay buried.
I'm independent, fiercely proud, and incredibly stubborn. I've never needed a boyfriend to have an identity, never needed a man to complete me, and I'm not one of those girls who has been planning her wedding since she was four. (I did know, however, that I wanted to live in the mountains at that young tender age.) My philosophy has always been simple; I'll worry about those details when it is actually a possibility.
'When I know that it is a reality, I'll start planning the event'
'I'd like to get married someday, but not tomorrow'
'I'm not looking, but I'm not hiding either...so if he wants to find me, he can go right ahead'
Those were my thoughts. I might as well be practical, and hoping for something wouldn't cause it to appear. I struggled with having empty arms. Ever since I can remember I have longed to be a mother. I've been taking care of babies since I was seven, worked with children of all ages for my entire life and I yearn to have my own. And that too, seemed impossible.
I have a passion for crisis pregnancy ministry as mentioned above. My heart breaks for all those tiny babies who have no voice to advocate for their existence. I believe every child should know that he/she is loved, and so many don't because no one has ever told them. I wanted to be the one to whisper that in a small ear, to bring hope, to show the love of Christ, but I felt helpless. My circle of influence seemed so small. I felt insignificant, and afraid.
My biggest fear is not making a difference, and that was exactly what was happening. By cutting myself off from others, I was losing my ability to impact lives. And I finally realized where my perspective needed to be. Rather than focusing on what I didn't have, I needed to count my blessings, to be thankful for what was present in my life. And above all, I needed to be a good steward of everything God has given to me, including my heart. Especially my heart.
So, I remembered the people who loved me and wanted me to be a part of their lives. I discovered how much support I had, how many were rooting for me and wanted me to succeed. Not only that, they believed in me. I recalled the dreams I used to have. My heart had been broken and things that were buried finally came to the surface. I learned to hope again, in spite of the risk. I learned to smile and laugh and be okay with the way things were. I poured myself into my studies, I gave it my very best. Slowly, but surely, I opened up again and started letting people into my life. Walls crumbled down and I felt very vulnerable. But I was alive again.
More importantly, I saw myself from God's perspective. In His eyes, I have incredible worth. He created me, knows me and loves me more than any person ever could. He understands and cares. When everyone else leaves, He is still there. He is the one constant in my life. Even when I ignore Him, hurl angry words at Him, blame Him and flaunt His commands He still loves me the same. Nothing I can ever do or say will change that. He gave me this bleeding heart, He wants to use my emotions for His glory. He has bigger plans for me than I could ever dream. And He is worthy of my trust. He is my source of hope. He gave up so much so that I could have a relationship with Him.
I'm moving forward, pursuing nursing school, investing in lives and looking toward the future. God continues to work in my heart, to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. I've realized that the last ten years have been spent investing in lives, and often that does not show up on paper. Sometimes the impact won't be known in this lifetime, if ever. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth my time, energy and love. God didn't waste those years, He spent that time preparing me for what is next. And I'm discovering a bit more of that plan every day. I'll write more about that next time...
~Liz
I never struggled with dreading a birthday. Until this year. For some reason, thirty was a milestone that could stay far in the future as far as I was concerned. I broke down and wept so many times out of disappointment, disillusionment and discouragement. I had so many dreams that have yet to be realized. And other than amassing what seems like a 'large' debt, I had very little to show for the last decade. At least not on paper. I felt that there was something more that I need to accomplish to somehow prove my worth. In short, I felt like an utter failure.
And while I knew that statement was far from the truth, the feeling remained. I tried to focus on what was true in my life, and more often than not, it just brought me to tears again. I was constantly asking myself what took me so long to finally start pursuing nursing school. I could have been done with this years ago, and perhaps even be chasing some of my dreams by now.
Contentment was more elusive than ever, and I saw my life spiraling into depression. I didn't want to get up and face each new day. I avoided interaction with almost everyone in my life, letting in a select few to avoid the pain. I was tired, so tired of always hurting, never knowing when the tears would start falling, or when they would stop. There was a constant dull ache, but not something I could share. And so I held it close, shielding myself and pushing away people in the process. But I pushed away my heavenly Father as well.
I was done trusting. I sacrificed for Him, served Him, trusted Him and all it brought was heartache. I felt like my life was turned upside down, like my heart had shattered into a million pieces...and it was His fault. I knew that He is good, loving, and sovereign; but I had a hard time reconciling that with what was happening in my life. I became angry, because it was easier than falling apart constantly. If I channeled all my energy into anger, I wasn't as prone to burst into tears at the drop of a hat.
All the things I wanted were good things. I expected I'd have a family by now, that I would be a wife and mother. I wanted to be involved in ministry that impacted lives in a great way. I have a passion for crisis pregnancy ministry, but every time I pursued a volunteer position, God closed the door. I used to have big dreams about traveling to the ends of the earth and making a difference in lives across the globe.
Instead, I was resigned to being single for the rest of my life. I had given up hope that there was anyone out there who I could serve alongside. My longing to become a mother was so overwhelming but seemed pointless if marriage wasn't a possibility. And every time I attempted to plan a trip overseas, it was thwarted, so how could I ever expect to move to another country if I couldn't even visit one? So I took my dreams and put them away. I buried them so deep, and built walls around my heart to be sure they would stay buried.
I'm independent, fiercely proud, and incredibly stubborn. I've never needed a boyfriend to have an identity, never needed a man to complete me, and I'm not one of those girls who has been planning her wedding since she was four. (I did know, however, that I wanted to live in the mountains at that young tender age.) My philosophy has always been simple; I'll worry about those details when it is actually a possibility.
'When I know that it is a reality, I'll start planning the event'
'I'd like to get married someday, but not tomorrow'
'I'm not looking, but I'm not hiding either...so if he wants to find me, he can go right ahead'
Those were my thoughts. I might as well be practical, and hoping for something wouldn't cause it to appear. I struggled with having empty arms. Ever since I can remember I have longed to be a mother. I've been taking care of babies since I was seven, worked with children of all ages for my entire life and I yearn to have my own. And that too, seemed impossible.
I have a passion for crisis pregnancy ministry as mentioned above. My heart breaks for all those tiny babies who have no voice to advocate for their existence. I believe every child should know that he/she is loved, and so many don't because no one has ever told them. I wanted to be the one to whisper that in a small ear, to bring hope, to show the love of Christ, but I felt helpless. My circle of influence seemed so small. I felt insignificant, and afraid.
My biggest fear is not making a difference, and that was exactly what was happening. By cutting myself off from others, I was losing my ability to impact lives. And I finally realized where my perspective needed to be. Rather than focusing on what I didn't have, I needed to count my blessings, to be thankful for what was present in my life. And above all, I needed to be a good steward of everything God has given to me, including my heart. Especially my heart.
So, I remembered the people who loved me and wanted me to be a part of their lives. I discovered how much support I had, how many were rooting for me and wanted me to succeed. Not only that, they believed in me. I recalled the dreams I used to have. My heart had been broken and things that were buried finally came to the surface. I learned to hope again, in spite of the risk. I learned to smile and laugh and be okay with the way things were. I poured myself into my studies, I gave it my very best. Slowly, but surely, I opened up again and started letting people into my life. Walls crumbled down and I felt very vulnerable. But I was alive again.
More importantly, I saw myself from God's perspective. In His eyes, I have incredible worth. He created me, knows me and loves me more than any person ever could. He understands and cares. When everyone else leaves, He is still there. He is the one constant in my life. Even when I ignore Him, hurl angry words at Him, blame Him and flaunt His commands He still loves me the same. Nothing I can ever do or say will change that. He gave me this bleeding heart, He wants to use my emotions for His glory. He has bigger plans for me than I could ever dream. And He is worthy of my trust. He is my source of hope. He gave up so much so that I could have a relationship with Him.
I'm moving forward, pursuing nursing school, investing in lives and looking toward the future. God continues to work in my heart, to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. I've realized that the last ten years have been spent investing in lives, and often that does not show up on paper. Sometimes the impact won't be known in this lifetime, if ever. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth my time, energy and love. God didn't waste those years, He spent that time preparing me for what is next. And I'm discovering a bit more of that plan every day. I'll write more about that next time...
~Liz
posted by Liz at
01:58
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